Juggler’s Anonymous

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Hello, my name is Christie, and I’m a juggler.

I’ve been a highly functioning juggler for some time, so I’ve been able to hide my problem and live my life quite well.

But, like all of us who live with an addiction, it finally gets the better of us. We either have to face admission of our problem and seek help to recover, or continue to live with our addiction until it takes over our lives, and we can no longer function.

I finally hit bottom yesterday. Sometimes that is what needs to happen to admit to ourselves we have a problem.

Yesterday, all the balls I have been juggling started to get very heavy. That has happened before, and I’ve been able to drop one or two, but keep my  momentum with the others, catch my breath, and pick up the dropped balls and continue my act.

The problem was, juggling even one began to feel like an overwhelming task.  I stopped my arms for the first time in long time, and just let them all drop on the floor in front of me.

Instead of relief, I felt panic. What was going to happen to that mess laying there in front of me? I was so exhausted, but instead of enjoying the relief this brought my arms, I began to cry.

I cried because I knew that I had suddenly lost my momentum, and knew the energy it would take to pick them back up and get them spinning again, along with the guilt that I couldn’t keep them all flying above me with ease.

My life is busy, and I’m guessing yours is too. Not only is there a lot to juggle, a lot of it is heavy with emotion. Caring for children, a family member that is ill, financial strains, stress at work, the list goes on.

Ok, so drop some of the balls, right?  Keep going with those big, important ones, but let the little ones fall and roll where they may.

Some of those little ones are what bring my arms relief between the juggles of the heavy ones. They are my volunteer work, exercise classes, time reading, blogging, having coffee with a friend. They are very important parts of my life that bring great joy, and do not bear the weight of emotion that the others do.

But, there are other types of little ones, that fool me into believing they are big by their heavy weight. They are those little things that waste time, or that do not need as much attention as I give them. Housecleaning is a good example. It could be let go of for a time, and picked back up for short periods. Yes, I will lose momentum, and need to do a little extra work to get it going, but it does not need to stay in the constant rotation.

This is where my problem needs attention. I have to allow myself to drop these small, but heavy ones and be ok with the mess they leave on the floor, knowing that, when I pick them up, I need not spin them at full speed like the others. They simply are not worth the spent energy.

I have three kids. Twin daughters who are seven years old, and a son who is six. Yep, there is plenty of juggling around here. Add the fact that my son has Down syndrome, and its like someone just placed a ball under my feet to balance on while juggling.

The amazing part is, all the balls I have spinning in the air for these three, even though they are heavy with emotion, are the most buoyant balls I have. There are times when the load is heavy, and my arms feel like they are going to fall off, but then one little action by my kids turns the balls into bright balloons floating lightly above me, asking nothing of me but to just relax and enjoy their bright buoyancy.

I’ve developed strength with all of this juggling, and balancing on a ball while doing it, but I’m also learning that my arms need some rest to develop the ability to gain more strength. That is where the work on my juggling problem is to be done. I’m not so good at letting those little, heavy ones roll where they may, then picking them up to give them a whirl on occasion, and be at peace with that.

My hope is by sharing this, if you are a juggler, you know that you are not alone. They say the first step to recovery is admission, so do not be shy to admit your problem. Only then can we move on to the step of  living a life with a new code of behavior, and go on to help others.

Your fellow juggler,

Christie

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: 10 Ways to Feel Good About You | Autobiographical Reflections
  2. Trackback: What a Little, Wise Guy! | Autobiographical Reflections

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